| Just Paint it Black... |
[18 May 2007|08:26pm] |
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Wait-Alexi Murdoch |
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Week one back at home is not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I actually got half of my unpacking done. I dont wanna do too much because I will have to pack again for vacation anyways.
But I did realize I few things about the Valley! There is nothing to do here!! Absolutely nothing and no getting wasted is not something to do its a way to pass the time but it is not something that is productive or for that matter healthy.
I really like Blake Lewis from American Idol!
Random I know...
You know what amazes my about the human being's mind; besides it being the only brain in the animal kingdom that can truly reason; it is amazing how you can convince yourself of something if you let your brain tell you.
I am trying to be strong and I am actually being strong.
That does not happen often, my brain and my heart are often at odds with each other. Maybe for once in my life I am letting my heart take a vacation and my mind is taken over the decision making for right now.
I don't know what's happening right now perhaps its denial and I will be in a store or restuarant and just completely breakdown. Although I really hope not, I hope that I am really this strong.
Why is it that we always have to be strong? Why can't we retreat and allow ourselves to feel? Who said I can't have my feelings?
I did...
claudia
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| Too bad I am a loser with a great set of brains but an absolute loss of intelligence... |
[08 May 2007|06:21pm] |
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 stupid... |
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Imogen Heap stuck in my head.."OOO what you say!" |
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Ahaha...thought I would say boobs or legs, but I have neither a great set, they are just average.
Oh my gosh! My theater final has taken so much out of me that I can barely keep my eyes open. It possessed me so much I did not even realize that I was hungry.
I am really sad that this class is over for about a hundred and one different reasons but most of all, well ya know I had that class with him...
Regardless, I feel like a fool.
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
I hate feeling so stupid.
UGHHHHH I am so gonna miss him!
:(
dont listen to me...just let me vent my frustration and dissappointment because I really need to before I should explode!
♥claudia
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| I am a walking zombie... |
[30 Apr 2007|05:49pm] |
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Reba! |
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I am so tired that I can barely type out how tired I am.
My hands and legs are shaky. My eyes are heavy and I generally feel like shit.
WHY NOW?! Finals are next week...I am already stressed out enough!
Oh God give me strength...I just need to get over this.
My feet are wet and my hands are cold.
The rain is spoiling my already spoiled day...
It's all spoiled..
Boo! I hate April,May, June, July....
Right now I hate it all!
♥claudia
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| Blow out your candle.. |
[26 Apr 2007|11:30pm] |
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Samson-Regina Spektor |
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Just come back to bed...
I went to watch to The Glass Menagarie tonight...
Another remarkable piece of the American Theater....
Of course thats just my opinion and well most people dont like the theater but I love it..
The play really got me thinking about alot...
Alot....
I am in sucha crazy place right now but I love the idea of distractions but I always find the ways to take the words spoken on screen or on the stage and relate them to my life...
I guess that's what the author intended...
Either way..
I need some time to distract myself.
♥claudia
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| Remember reven is just never spelled backwards.. |
[21 Apr 2007|07:55pm] |
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dismal.. |
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Estoy Aqui-Shakira |
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Honestly that means absolutely nothing mostly because reven is not a real word. Well I don't think it is...?
In all honesty I feel so lonely right now.
And as I try to type up this stupid lab report which is crap becasue my professro wrote the fucking lab book, I feel like nothing I do really matters.
I mean think about it, at 19 I am not really changing the world by doing lab reports and learning about how vancomycin is the leading antiviral medication.
I hate inaction!
I hate it because I know its what I am all about. I hate that about myself, I am so afraid to act that I just let things pass me by. It is absolutely exaserpating.
It's this crazy feeling of suffocation in this stupid room. Nothing really makes me feel at home. I am at this point of my life where I don't remember what home feels like.
And no this isn't just about a stupid guy..
Partly it is...but I mean every great story boils down to two things
A boy and a girl.
I just feel like sometimes that my life is at a standstill, everyone else is moving on, making friends, going out and experiencing things that I can't even imagine.
When am I gonna meet the person that is gonna change my life?
When am I gonna meet the person whose life I am gonna change?
I hate this place where I am at...
Problem is I don't know exactly where I am.
claudia
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| In the garden of life... |
[18 Apr 2007|10:45pm] |
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 wilting... |
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Pitter Patter Pitter Patter |
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In the garden of life I feel like a wilting flower...
Here is what happens...
I am the type of flower that does not bloom very often...but when it does its full of life and vitality but just as easily as it blossoms the slightest change causes it to wilt.
It goes from vibrant and beautiful to sad and wilted.
I feel like that now...
My little head can barely stay up because I feel so down and its so silly!!
It should not even matter,I should be like "Oh yeah you are being this way...forget you!" But I can't do it. I can't!
Why am I so affected????
Why am I so damaged????
What the hell is my chilhood trauma?
I pray so much for hope and strength but sometimes I feel like my soul can't handle it.
I want and need to be strong!
I feel things so much more...
and I hate that..
♥claudia
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| I smell like a boy... |
[12 Apr 2007|10:54pm] |
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 boy-smelling |
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Amy Winehouse- You Know I'm No Good |
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I smell like a boy and I kind of like it...
Its almost like having a guy constantly hugging you..
Haha...stupid deodorant that smells dude-ish mixed with my perfume...
I pretty much smelled like I was locked in a passionate embrace for hours.
But alas it is not soooo.
But aside from that I have always loved that manly smell...its one of those criteria I have to checklist when I am interested in a guy...
He has to smell good...
He smells good...
Boo!
♥claudia
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| To me...you are something special... |
[11 Apr 2007|09:47pm] |
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Interior Design Talk... |
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Even though no one else seems to think so....
And perhaps I am the misguided one but I can't help but feel as though my heart can possibly be right about you...
Well all in all today sucked just because I woke up today knowing that it was going to suck!!
The only good thing was that stupid ho Haley Scarnato got kicked off American Idol!! Yay! San Antonio may love their darling but I despise her nasty ho-ass!
I just don't know what to do...
WHAT DO I DO? WHAT THE HELL DO I DO? Someone please switch places with me!!!!! Please....
Man, I hate being that person who is in this constant state of confusion...
It does not suit me well even though I feel like I am this about 98% of the time.I am getting way to old for this. And perhaps maybe I am too good for this as well...
And that is the thing that I don't ever want to feel that way about myself again. I don't like to think that I am better than anyone else and yes I know I can be very judgemental but in my heart I know that I am just being overly-critical.
But where do I draw the line between feeling confident and settling?
♥claudia
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| Say Goodnight and Go... |
[10 Apr 2007|06:18pm] |
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Imogen Heap-Goodnight and Go |
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Oh why do you have to be so cute? It's impossible to ignore you! Must you make me laugh so much, its bad enough we get along so well. Say goodnight and go.
It is bad enough I totally relate to that song extremely well but I am faced with the prospect of this sort of crossroads.
The good thing is I know what I am going to do now. And I am not ready to stop fighting.
But ughhh its hard to think about this on top of the immensely difficult essay I must complete by 11:45 am tommorow morning.
Why do boys have to make already complicated things even more complicated, all I really wanted was a simple kind of life.
Too bad I am at fault for the overcomplication.
But I really do love my mess...
♥claudia
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| The Restoration... |
[08 Apr 2007|11:39pm] |
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It's Not Over-Daughtry |
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Not only one of the best times in history but also a great place to start when you faith starts to falter.
I feel as though I had a truly religious experience.
Have you ever felty like God was talking to you through someone else? I mean not in that biblical sense, the earth trembled, the heavens parted, and a great booming voice came from the sky. Not so much but in a subtle and beautifully simple way.
I have not really felt hopeful. I sensed that everything was just another horrible part of my life. But now I realize that anything truly worth having is worth fighting for. God does not put obstacles in your path to spite you but to make you appreciate the things you have even more.
No one ever said the path to the things that you want would be easy but I think I finally realize it now.
On Thursday, I was resigned. I was ready to give up and my heart did at that moment.
But after today,
I am ready to fight again.
And this time I got faith in my corner...
♥claudia
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| Puff the Magic Drag Queen?? |
[03 Apr 2007|10:57pm] |
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Gay men and the women that love them... |
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I am soooooooooo screwed tommorow....
and it sucks....
Happy Early Birthday Flower!!!!! The big 2-0! YAY! All of my firends are getting so old. Thank God...I'm still happy I have the teen at the end of the age.
But sometimes I hate having it. Its a twisted little thing.
I hate my Microbiology professor...he makes a wonderfully interesting subjects hopelessly boring.
I need this Easter break desperately, the best thing for me right now is to be far away from San Antonio!
Too bad I will miss him...
well like I do right now..
♥claudia
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| This is Why I'm Hot... |
[30 Mar 2007|03:51pm] |
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With Love-Hilary Duff |
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Well right now I don't feel too hot but whatever you gotta do to build yourself up sometimes.
And right now I need a major self esteem boost. And its not even about my looks or anything physical its all emotional. Pent up frustration with things that I can change with a simple word.
Or a few simple words...
Either way, I am sick of being patient. I hate patience so much right now...I sort of want to just pull out all the bravery I have in my body and just do it.
The weather is so horrible. It makes feel this incredible sadness. Being alone in this weather is probably the worst thing for me right now.
And I always thought it was April showers bring May flowers.
I guess all I am looking for is some warmth.
And I have probably said it a thousand and one times but I think its what I need right now. My hands just can't stop shaking when i start to think of certain things.
I don't even know what it is I am so worried about.
I wish...well I wish he was...nevermind..
Just tell me everything is gonna be alright...I really need to hear it
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| My favorite flavor of ice cream is serendipity... |
[26 Mar 2007|06:07pm] |
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cold and wet.. |
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The shake shake of my hands... |
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Well on a sunny beautiful day it would be serendipity!
But of course there is no such flavor at least in ice cream there isn't.
But as I know now on this cloudy and miserable day, things are not always what they seem to be. I feel very cold and wet. But most of all I feel sad.
I feel scared.
I think I am afraid because I do not want to let myself go completely. I am afriad that maybe letting someone in may not have been the best thing for me. I am afraid to get excited because I don't know where it would lead. I am so afraid to be dissappointed and hurt.
I am afraid that I will hurt again and I would rather be alone than in pain. I don't want to feel they way I used to feel every day.
I wanted so bad to have a brighter outlook on everyday and now I just feel that maybe I bit off more than I could chew. Perhaps I went to fast too soon.
Maybe its just the weather or I was having an off day but my heart does not feel right.
Perhaps the lack of sleep has made me loopy. I wanna stop this crazy talk but I can't!
I just wanna lay in my bed and have myself a good cry...
♥claudia
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| OMG its Cameron! I just came to LOL OR LMAO ....F.T.P. |
[23 Mar 2007|01:56am] |
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Amy Winehouse-Rehab |
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I thoroughly enjoy being pleasantly surprised...
I also enjoy being proven wrong....
I also love where I am right now...
I love the way everything is working out in its own time...
I love how somehow when you least expect things they happen
I love where all this is going right now...
Here's hoping things stay good!
But most of all I love hoping for good things...
♥claudia
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| Amor Meus... |
[05 Mar 2007|05:15pm] |
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Imogen Heap-Hide and Seek |
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I had an amazing realization as I was walking back to my room from class right now...
Love makes it all the harder to learn, to listen, to suceed, to achieve.
How I wish for the time were the opposite sex were not an entire different species but just firends. An annoyance to be dealt with hitting or sticking your tongue out.
I really wish I was that 5 year old girl who dreamed of being a doctor not even having the thought of boyfriends or relationships. All I wanted was to grow up and help people there was nothing else involved in my dreams.
Hormones complicate everything. Estrogen and testoterone flow through is just as much as our blood and it makes us crazy.
Tears, smiles, butterflies, hugs, kisses, hate dissappointment, agression, jealousy, sex, lust, love, like, crush, beautiful, sadness, pain, hurt, agony, happiness, frustration, confusion, frowns, hand holding, phone calls, letters, gaze, sleeping in each others arms, breaking up, passion...
Is it all inevitable?
Think about how much easier everything would be...
claudia
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| Yogalates! I love it! |
[03 Mar 2007|02:54pm] |
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Obesity Documentary... |
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A good pilates workout takes your mind of off things that are necessarily bothering you but are driving my positively crazy in a good way!!!!
I guess it takes my mind off of things that are keeping me in a crazy state of suspense.
I love feeling excited for once instead of totally hurt and confused or just pissed.
Ha! Now is am in this suspended disbelief...
But here is the real question....
How do you know?
or better yet...
Are you supposed to know??
or even better...
How long should I wait?
♥claudia
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| I hate people with noisy pants.... |
[22 Feb 2007|11:41am] |
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 bouncy |
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Lady Sovereign-Pretty Vacant |
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I really do hate people with noisy pants, it is so annoying you are walking on a beautiful day around campus and there is the dude walking behind you being all anti-social listening to his ipod and walking with his noisy pants.
I have like a thousand and one pet peeves....
Noisy pants is like number 88...
Aside from that the Lenten season has started off surprisingly awesome..
Well church here at school is wierd...I am very traditional and well they are not...and I dont like that..but I was like "Ok, God..forgive me for thinking they are retards but here I am and I hope that counts for something...ya know I can't stand this crap that does not mean anything."
Let's hope I don't go to hell for thinking a nun is a crazy bitch!!! :o
Haha.
You know last week I was totally sad, I felt like there was this crazy disconnect between my brain and my heart. I felt like they could not get in sync and that they would never be able to stop bickering over what I really want.
Sometimes utter moments of insanity where your brain is so tapped out of its own mind it actually does something good for you heart.
And as regretably stupid as that action was, it actually kind of validated me.
Ok hell it made me feel reallllllllllll good...
I like a boy..and he thinks I'm purty..
But ahh I dont wanna jinx it...lets hope I didn't cuz I want things to go in a semi-decent way!
♥claudia
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| What's the diagnosis doctor? |
[09 Feb 2007|10:17am] |
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Hellogoobye-Oh It's lOve |
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Everyday seems to be going faster and faster when I am around the people who make laugh and smile. But it's those few and precious moments were I am alone that I feel that time stands still.
I am not going to lie because what is the sense in that I do feel lonely at times.
Last night I walked on campus alone at night, it feel so different when you are alone. When I am walking with someone I talk and I am distracted that the night is even their. But when you are alone you hear and see everything. any noise will startle you and everything looks different at night.
The cold seems colder.
The darkness seems darker.
Its a strange phenomenon...the human psyche changes so much in different situations.
Lately I have has this crazy feeling all over my body. Shakey hands, butterflies in my stomach, sweating at really bad times, blushing, freaking out if my hair is not totally perfect, eating too much, then eating to little, wanting to puke, not being able to sleep, sighing incessantly that it becomes annoying, annoying my friends with my crazy behavior.
I haven't felt like this in about...
Oh, I think I am in love...
and this time its an actual person that is here...
♥claudia
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[02 Feb 2007|10:57pm] |
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The Sexy and Hilarious Joel Mchale |
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Perhaps I am going a tad bit crazy but then again for some reason this month drives me absolutely tapped!!
In other words I am just in this weird space right now. Nothing seems to really be giving me what Mick Jagger would call satisfaction.
Grr-argh! Lets skip this whole month!!!
Haha, it's a little depressing all these little couples and way too much chocolate!
I need to get a hobby or a sexy new boy toy!
Hah the latter is definately better than a hobby.
I wish I had my phone charger I feel marooned on a island without my phone being on..
I feel so lonesome!
Come and keep me company guys!
♥claudia
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cuteshygal's journal
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